Could this be? Could this really be true? Why am I here? For what reason? Unfortunately to give any answers would be just underestimating each person’s life. Each person’s life situation is unique and different and there are no hard rules. Therefore I can only speak for myself and about my experiences.
46 years I have spent on this planet and much of it in self destructive turmoil. Perhaps some of you know about my past and that I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1, the difficult one. I could make a list about my problems that would fill this entire blog but so could you. Getting older and especially looking back, as much self evaluation I have been able to do from my pain, I have come to a terrifying revelation:the answers have always been right in front of my very eyes and in my life. Each and every time during the course of my adulthood from around 20 onwards. And yet now being 46, I am just beginning to get a little understanding about my life,past and present. And yet now I am absolutely sure that each and every difficult situation in my life (you have to do your own thinking about yours) has been tailor made for my spiritual growth. I dont mean that we all should grow spiritually during our lives but it would seem that as the trees and flowers reach towards the sun and light, it could be the same for us. I leave the metaphysical debate for some other time but I do ask you to think about this. It might make a very big difference in your life.
We are living times of selfishness. Everybody is mainly looking after themselves, wanting things their way and protesting loudly if things don’t happen the way they want. I don’t believe Universe works that way. One Zen student once asked from a Master why nobody has ever seen God? He answered because nobody is prepared to bow that low. It is a metaphorical story but there is something that resonates in there. The values that are prominent in our societies these days have nothing to do with humanity, tolerance, kindness and love. We are living very hard times indeed and I am afraid it is not going to get any better.
Back to my life. In recent years, my ego has been tested many many times and I have lost every battle.Only recently, a certain clarity has started to fill me and I understand very clearly that the whole history of man and the mystery of Universe is indeed very close to me and has always been. It is inside of me. And it is a good advisor in life’s problems and in moral issues. But I did not get to this source easily. It took all the possible forms of escape, 8 years of psychotherapy, 6 years of psychiatrist and emotional pain of 8 years that is impossible to describe in any words. This pain has been my savior. Without trying to say that I am a masochist I just mean that the emotional pain in me is so huge that it completely takes over me. It says:”listen to me”. It says what is important and what is not. It tells me what I should do instead of worrying and helps me with my life. It clearly has a function in me. I have learned to live with it but I have only now started to learn to listen to it completely. This means surrendering. And surrendering means the death of your ego and that could very well be the most painful experiences of your life.
I stopped fighting and debating with people because my pain instructed me to do so. And by doing so, I really understood that you cannot fight with someone who refuses to fight and debate. And fighting and debating are the most prominent things in our societies. Everybody thinks they are right and want things their way. I don’t want to take any part in that. So I just walk away and deal with my life by listening to my advisor. And I do have my priorities straight morally although my ego tries to win every day. And in some days it still succeeds.
So I must disagree with the headline of this blog, written by William Shakespeare. I truly believe life does have meaning but I am not suggesting that finding this meaning would be easy. For me it has taken 20 years. I do believe that life signifies many things and that the most precious and valuable things we already have in our lives. We just don’t see them. That is tragic but that’s the way it is in my opinion. It is in the small things where I find my happiness in every day. In a smile. Cup of coffee. Helping somone you love and care about. And at the same time setting strict limits to people who try to use you or hurt you. The amount of both mental and physical violence is crushing in our times.
I would like to end this, perhaps a little confusing blog, to what I believe signifies life. To me it means growing towards Love. Love is not a feeling, it is a process and the nonsense most of us call love has nothing to do with it. I include an interesting picture here in the end. While I took my beloved daughter to Mallorca because her boyfriend of 4 years suddenly left her, she drew a heart to the sand. I happened to walk towards the heart and had my camera with me. What you see here is a foot going towards Love. What I believe is the reason why we are here. The rest you have to figure out all by yourselves. I wish you Love,Luck and Happiness and great rest of the year 2012.